'Sexy' and 'Breastfeeding' -oh no, not in the same sentence?

Recently I reposted a link on my private facebook page to a collection of glamorous women breastfeeding. I thought they were nice, but some also found them to be sexual in nature because of the way the women looked, and didn’t like them at all. This got me thinking.

What is it that makes us, our society, so squeamish about anything to do with ‘sexy’ AND ‘breastfeeding’ in the same paragraph, let alone in the same sentence? If I were to dress up for a nice dinner with my husband and sent him a ‘sexy’ look across the table, all while feeding the baby to sleep in order to enjoy some adult time later, does that in any way translates to the act of breastfeeding being sexy in any way? Dressing up and sending my husband that same look while doing the dishes doesn’t magically make doing dishes equivalent to pottery – had Demi Moore been standing with her hands around the dirty dishes instead of a clump of clay with Patrick Swayze behind her, then maybe… This got me thinking again.

I trawl a lot of blogs and other posts about breastfeeding, and every now and again a male posts a comment like “I think breastfeeding women are sexy” which is then followed by a lot of mostly angry comments like “Breastfeeding has nothing to do with sex at all”, “Breasts are for feeding, not for sex or your enjoyment, grow up”, and “You are sick and perverted”.

I don’t know about you, but some of the most sexy images I know is the ones with a little newborn baby contently asleep on a fathers bare (and good-looking helps too of course) chest, to me that is so much more appealing than the same man posing smugly with some apparently sexy stare. And then there are all the photos of celebrity fathers baby-wearing their new little bundle of joy or carrying their toddler on their broad shoulders. Judging by the comments these types of photos usually get from other mums especially, I don’t think I’m alone. And guess when I find my own husband the sexiest? It’s when he’s completely engaged playing with our kids, unaware of me noticing at all. Does this make me sick or perverted? It is not the baby or young child that ‘does it’ for me, it is the QUALITY portrayed in the man or my own husband. To me, it portrays a quality of nurturing, of caring, unselfishness, of playfulness, of fun… and that is what I find sexy.

So ladies, shouldn’t we then also give the same credit to the man posting the comment about breastfeeding being sexy. Maybe, just maybe, breastfeeding to him symbolizes a quality in women that he finds sexy. I don't think the women posting the angry comments would have minded as much if the same male commented that he finds photos of women gazing at their baby lovingly or wearing them in a sling, sexy or attractive. Maybe we ought to think twice before getting all worked up next time we see 'sexy' and 'breastfeeding' in the same sentence, it may not instantly spell 'perverted'.

The KLM answer!

Credit to KLM, they did answer my pretty quick. My 2-page snail-mail letter (after I wasn't happy with the answers I received from my first two emails) have received an answer, by email, At least the answer was from KLM, not from Air France, as with my first email of complaint. Here is the letter, in full:

Claim No5012290001 KL 836 10MAR2011

Dear Mrs Sperling,

As previoulsy mentioned to you, KLM does not have a policy
regarding breastfeeding.

A sincere apology is offered for any discourtesy you felt
you encountered at this occasion.
Naturally you expect our staff to provide the best possible
service and it is inexcusable
that you should have been confronted with anything else.

Breastfeeding is allowed onboard KLM flights, however,
since we are an international carrier
flying to destinations all over the world, we deal with a
lot of different cultures and
publicly breastfeeding may not as accepted everywhere as
it is in western countries.

Therefore, it would be very much appreciated if mothers in
general could take into account
other cultures and values and act as discreet as possible
and therefore uncover as minimum
as possible. Please note that it is not our intention to
cover up a baby's face with a
blanket and thereby endanger the his/her life.

Please be assured that we have forwarded your
correspondence to our Quality department to
alert them of the difficulties you have experienced.

We are very sorry to hear that your impression of our
service has been marred by the
circumstances you describe and we hope that future
contacts with our airline will prove to
be as efficient and courteous as may be expected.

Best regards,

Benoit Max CADENEL
Customer Care

My first thought? But, but... I was discreet, my baby covered up my breast, nobody was in front and I had my other children on either side of me....
This is as good as It'll get I think and I will let the case rest.

The official 'cover up' letter due to be snail-mailed

This is the letter that I'll be snail-mailing to KLM as they never answered my emails satisfactory:

As a breastfeeding mother and a KLM customer I was very surprised to be told to ‘cover up’ while feeding my daughter on one of your flights recently (KL 838 from Singapore to Amsterdam). The flight attendant making this request claimed it was KLM policy as ‘that’ could be considered offensive by some passengers. I afterwards requested the policy in question on email and have since received it (Claim No 4973366001). It does not mention breastfeeding in particular, instead it implies that the act of breastfeeding may have been categorised by the flightattendant as behaviour that "is liable to obstruct, threaten, endanger ornot endanger one or more persons, items of property or the aircraft itself." I pointed this out in a second email communication, but the replyI received was far from satisfactory, hence this letter.

If this is the case, please explain how the act of breastfeeding could be deemed to fall under this policy?

Without pointing out the obvious offence that could be taken to the rudeness of such a comment, however innocent the meaning might have been, of the flight attendant, the main issues I am concerned about are as follows:

On a long flight with a child who breastfeeds constantly in cramped conditions, complying with this request could be quite dangerous. Covering a child's face with a blanket when the parent/child is tired represents a strangulation risk, suffocation risk and poses an additional risk of overheating.

Children under four are much more vulnerable to the effects of overheating. If the parent is tired on a long flight or, as in my case, a series of long flights, there are further risks in terms of the parent being able to give the supervision required to comply with this request safely. I was in addition to my infant also solely responsible for a 4 and 7 year old, respectively. Have you considered the safety implications and conducted a risk assessment into the consequences of covering a young child with a blanket whilst feeding on a plane?

In many countries asking someone to cover up a feeding child would be considered discrimination under Sex Discrimination Act, e.g. see the Sex Discrimination Act 1975 in the UK, which prevents breastfeeding women to be discriminated against for breastfeeding in public.

In addition to my concerns about safety I am concerned about the flight attendant's expression that "some passengers may find [breastfeeding] offensive". I am sure that this cannot be true and that if it is the case those passengers should no more be pandered to than someone who were offended by the sight or presence of a woman or someone of another race. Although this should be of no consequence, at the time I was sitting at the bulkhead with my other children on either side of me, followed by the aisle, so there could not be anybody possibly affected by me breastfeeding. I always take care to be discreet, but I do not consider it reasonable covering my child with a blanket.

Mere offence is not enough; the person's offence must be reasonable and being offended at the sight of breastfeeding or even just the presence of breastfeeding, is not any more reasonable than sexism or racism. Would you put a blanket over someone's face if their gender or race were offending a passenger or flight attendant or would you find the "offence" unreasonable? A young child cannot be prevented from breastfeeding and in any case this action would likely result in the whole flight being disturbed by a screaming, upset and hungry child.

WHO guidelines recommend a minimum of 24 months breastfeeding in order to promote the best health of the child and the population as a whole. In my opinion, KLM should really accommodate this and educate staff to encourage breastfeeding mothers to feel comfortable breastfeeding children on KLM flights.

It is possible that this situation has arisen unexpectedly by a single ignorant flight attendant, who might have put his own prejudices in the mix when following the policy. Although the policy itself does not cover breastfeeding maybe there is something in the flight attendants training manual that do, and if this is the case I would very much appreciate a review and some clarification of KLM's stand on breastfeeding just so that families with young children can make fully informed decisions about whether to use KLM flights.

In conclusion, what I would like to see from KLM in response to this letter is a clear and concise statement that clarifies where KLM stands on this issue, so that in the future I can either 1) choose to fly with KLM again and use the statement to my defence should I find myself in a similar situation, or 2) choose another carrier where young families are left to feel welcome rather than alienated and an ‘offense’ to others.

The latest in the KML-case: I wrote back to them saying that I failed to see how the policy they sent me had any relevance to this case. Here is the reply:
"I am sorry to inform you that there is no specific rule concerning breast-feeding onboard our aircrafts. However, the crew reserve the right to assess, in a reasonable manner, the behavior of Passengers on board the aircraft and undertake the necessary measures."
Reasonable? I beg to differ!

Cover up please!

I never thought it would happen to me. Ok, so I was probably a bit ignorant. I have read all the stories about mothers being asked to cover up or even leave the airplane when breastfeeding their babies, but I honestly thought it a rare exception rather than a common occurrence. In the seven years I have breastfed my three children I have never had anyone say anything other than positive things to me. It all happened on a KML flight from Singapore to Amsterdam while the flight attendants were getting ready for takeoff. The male flight attendant had been very friendly helping with storing away out luggage and getting my two other older children settled in. I did not think I heard him right at first when he suddenly said that ‘It is our policy to ask you to cover up with a blanket as THAT may offend some of the other passengers’. My reaction: ‘Are you serious?’. He then kept assuring me that it was their policy rather than his opinion, and that it was important to be sensitive to all passengers. I then got him to get the plastic wrapped blanket from the floor between my leg, where I had stored it when settling into my seat. He got down on all four and reached in for the blanket (here we CAN talk about something that may look a bit offensive to some passengers, but I couldn’t help myself – I just had to cling on to the blanket a little extra with my legs, making him have to spend a bit more time down there getting the blanket out...lol). At the time my daughter was almost asleep so she didn’t mind me having a blanket near her face. For the reminding 12+ hrs of the flight my daughter was probably on and off the breast at least fifty times, as she was struggling to get comfortable (not exactly easy on those sardine-seats), and for the most part I didn’t use the blanket. Either my daughter would protest loudly or it was just too hot. I have to add here that he never did bring it up again, although that may be more because he wasn’t actually working in my part of the plane. The air hostess in charge in our part of the cabin came over a little later and commented on the beauty of breastmilk (at the time she was soundly asleep having that spaced out content look on her face) and said she herself had breastfed both of her children. I must admit that my baby is actually 22 months old, and although a bit on the small side for her age, her age might have shocked the guy a bit. Still short of the 2 years recommended by the World Health Organisation though! I also purposely wore a shirt that I could easily pull down to feed rather than lift up, i.e. I probably showed a bit more flesh than I could have, but no more than a low-cut top would. I find this easier on flights as the seatbelt, pillows and the weight of my child’s body makes it hard to keep pulling the shirt up. So why am I still surprised that he requested me to ‘cover up’. Firstly I really can’t see how this would affect anyone else, let alone offend. Sitting at the bulkhead (where there is a wall in front of me rather than seats, and with my older children sitting on either side of me, it would be very hard for anyone to even see, except for maybe on their way back from visits to the lavatory. But seriously, anyone being offended by seeing me feeding my child can feel free to exercise that swivel option their head comes with and take in some of the remaining 270 degrees of view! I would have had no problem being asked to cover up if I was visiting a country where that was expected of me because of that country’s culture, not one bit. But this was an international flight, and yes, there may have been some passengers there that would have preferred me to be more discreet, but being an international flight there was probably also passengers there that find it inappropriate that women show their hair, or legs or any body part for that matter. That doesn’t mean we should all cover up so as not to offend anyone. So why didn’t I protest more at the time? Firstly I was more surprised than upset. But more importantly, I had just spent 8 hrs on another flight followed by 5 hrs on the airport, it was midnight our time, and I was trying to calm three overtired young children, knowing I had another 13 hrs to go on this flight, followed by another 5 hrs on an airport and a final 2 hrs flight to top it off. I simply didn't have the time or energy at the time. So why is it upsetting to me? Obviously it will not affect the way I feed my children or parent in general, in any way. However, I know that had that same comment been put to me say when I only had my first and he was quite young, in other words while I was still wondering what the heck I was doing with this baby, It would likely have been very different. As with any other skill, confidence comes with practise, so new mums especially are often very vulnerable to suggestions, comments and perceived criticism, real or not. In my role as volunteer breastfeeding counsellor I know very well how little comments like that makes mothers think twice about breastfeeding and often start introducing alternatives so they don't have to get in a situation were they feel judged again. I sent a request to see the policy that the attendant was talking about and was sent the following reply (part of it, it was very long and overly friendly written):

"For your information, please find below the relevant article relating to passenger's
behaviour onboard our aircrafts.

Article IX of the general Conditions of carriage:

1. The Carrier reserves the right to assess, in a reasonable manner, the behavior of
Passengers on board the aircraft, and to estimate according to the circumstances whether
said behavior is liable to obstruct, threaten, endanger or not endanger one or more persons,
items of property or the aircraft itself. In this connection, Passengers must not hinder the
crew from performing their duties and must comply with the crew's instructions and
recommendations in order to ensure the security and safety of the aircraft, the smooth
running of the flight and the comfort of the Passengers."

What the? So in other words me breasfeeding my daughter was either obstructive, threatening or endangering others. Interesting! Needless to say they havn't heard the last from me!